After disagreeing with movie critics for the 124th time, I've decided to start reviewing films myself. I think the traditional rating systems - thumbs, grades and stars — have misled us for moviegoers for long enough. I have developed my own self-tested system.
I shall rate movies by how many mini wines an average viewer must consume for the movie to be enjoyable. Not familiar with mini wines? Log off and head to the liquor store immediately. They come in packs of four and each mini bottle is approximately one glass. Minis can also easily be concealed in purses and sipped from during films. Not that I'm recommending that, mind you. That would be breaking the rules.
Movies will be rated on a none-to-four scale. In this case none is the best. A movie with a rating of none is so good that even completely sober moviegoers will enjoy the film. A movie with a rating of four indicates moviegoers should skip the film or be prepared to take a cab home from the theater.
O.K. here we go...
"Julie & Julia" 1 mini. A woman in New York with a dead-end job decides to blog her way through Julia Child's cookbook. Scenes are split between Julia Child's cooking career and the bloggers' experiences making Julia's dishes. Meryl Streep is wonderful as Julia Child. She even manages to capture Julia's unusual American/French/German accent. (By the way, Julia was from Pasadena, as in California. Who knew?) Amy Adams plays the sometimes whiny, sometimes philosophical blogger with a continuous bad haircut. The movie was funny and compelling, but some scenes were just too long and full of self-loathing.
"(500) Days of Summer" 2 minis. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl doesn't quite fall in love with boy. I loved the concept of the film, and the ending was perfect. But this film really dragged at certain points. It's just over an hour and half but feels like it lasts two and half hours. The two minis will be absolutely necessary for the viewer to survive the agony of the on-screen relationship's rocky moments. The boy is played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Zooey Deschanel plays the girl, Summer, hence the title.
3 comments:
Dawn, I just discovered your (under-advertised) daze, and I have to say, I am very pleased with my find! Your writing is thoroughly amusing, and I love your topics and wish I'd thought of them myself. And it doesn't matter that I'd never even considered sneaking in mini wines into a theater because now I'm going to steal your idea and start enjoying movies more!
By the way, your blog receives a rating of NO MINIS.
Love you always!
—Mrs. Wadey Pie
Amanda, you are the sweetest! I love your blog, too. You can never have enough pie! I've been secretly cyber-stalking you, of course. I took lessons from Sonya.
Very funny. I like this new concept. I think if I rated films now it would have to be based on how far into it I fell asleep.
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